Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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