I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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