I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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