I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
