if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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