I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Actions speak louder than pants.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
