Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
