Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
