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I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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