I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize