Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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