i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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