I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize