New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
