you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
