That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
