It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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