I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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