He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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