final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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