Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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