i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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