If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
