I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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