I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
