...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
