Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
