My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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