Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
