I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
