I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Randomize
