i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
