Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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