I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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