my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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