I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
