After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
