I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
