I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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