I wanna passion pit in your ass
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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