I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Don't make out with my wife yet
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
