gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
