i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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