My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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