why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
