The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
