is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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