do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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