i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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