be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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