What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
