I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
