hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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