he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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