"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
