Redeem this text for a blowjob
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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