Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i love accidental penises.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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