i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
