yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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