haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
