I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
