why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
