i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize