On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
