I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
