According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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