I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
